Dear Santa, I know it’s been decades since I last wrote to you, but I’m sure you’ve got me categorised under ‘Kids Who Always Ask For Cricket Bats’.
Now that I’ve grown up (ostensibly) and matured into a responsible adult (allegedly) I was wondering if perhaps you have a special Christmas gift delivery service for Kids Who Always Asks For Cricket Bats Who Grew Up Into Adult Sports Fanatics.
You do? That’s great. I have a simple request. I want you to turn me into a multi-faceted sports star just for one single day. It’s not too difficult, is it? Just for one day.
I’m sure you can do it if you put your mind to it.
I reckon I can still get into my cricket fannels, but I would like you to give me some line and length so that I can start playing grade cricket again. It’s been a while since I grew a Dennis Lillee moustache, but maybe just for one day I could bowl with his pace, variation and control. Too difficult.
Okay. Maybe I’d like to bat like Sachin Tendulkar. What’s that? Did you just say the only thing I have in common with him is the country where I was born? Alright, so if that’s not possible, can I bat like Jason Gillespie and score a Test double hundred as a tailender?
From there to the swimming pool. Now, I want to be able to swim like Ian Thorpe. I want to be in synch. No, no, I don’t want to sink. Gee, you know how to put a guy down.
Next up, I want John McEnroe’s lefty serve. Roger Federer’s confidence. Pete Sampras’ bank balance. Andre Agassi’s showmanship and Rafael Nadal’s court coverage. You mutter a lot, Santa.
What? All you can give me is McEnroe’s bald patches?
I guess I’ll have to wait until next year.
Thanks anyway Santa,
David.
